Everyone knows about lust. It is defined as: "crave: have a craving, appetite, or great desire for." It is usually used in a sexual manner, but it isn't necessarily so. It is a sin to lust for something sexually, but I am not sure that lust in a different manner is necessarily a bad thing-- it depends on how you respond to it.
I have had a problem with lust. Yes, I have. Especially this week, and I will tell you it is because of this beautiful weather. I lust every year at about this time. I ache and yearn for this recurring desire, and nothing seems to quell it. After a while, my desire starts to fade, depending on the circumstances, and that lust I formerly had dissipates slowly. Oh, by the way, if you hadn't already guessed, my lust is not sensual, it is, well maybe it is, for a Jeep. Every year at this time when the weather starts getting warm and the trees are blooming, I just want to get outside and enjoy nature. Since I work now, that time is limited to mornings, lunchtime, after work, and weekends. Which is still a lot of time to get out, but not in large increments. What better way to enjoy the outdoors than in an off-road capable, manual transmission, topless Wrangler? oh yes, topless-- there is no better way. Not for me anyway. I mean, the Jeep is topless, not me. Unless you know, I am really getting into it or something....? I used to own a Wrangler Rubicon, but we sold it so we could get a more family friendly car that would help us move with the military all over the country. Now, they make a 4 door, and since we are out the military, we don't move as much. In fact, we only plan on moving one more time until we die. That's right. Until we rot.
Anyway, the bug has bit me hard this year and I can't hardly stop thinking about driving my 6-speed Jeep. Cool misty mornings with the top down, hot sunny afternoons with a limitless sky-view, going off-roading in places where only few can go, and just being able to have the wind blow through my hair (with a hair clip of course, I can't stand when my hair smacks me in the eye. Totally ruins the experience).However, this means we would have to move our money and assets around to fit one in. Do we get a new one? Do we get an old one for cheap that we fix up and make our own? Do we get one at all? I really don't know and I think daydreaming about it is half the fun. Or maybe more.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Our New Life!
So... I couldn't figure out what to title this entry... Our lives have been turned upside down in just a matter of days and I have had guilt, sorrow, and anxiousness about how this would turn out. This past Friday, I found out that I was being summoned to work full time. I work for my parents at our family business, and I love it! I love working with my family, I love what I do, and I love the flexibility and understanding that I have from my boss (aka "Dad").
I have previously been working 2 days a week, bringing Caylen with me. However, our workload here has been increased with the growth of the casket business and my 'boss's' desire to start delegating, finally ('Boss' is one of those people, much like myself incidentally, who thinks "If I want it done right, I must do it!"). Thing is, he can't do it all! There are so many facets to this business that delegating is not a choice, but a necessity! There are not enough hours in a day to complete all there needs to be done here. So, dad has been delegating, slowly, some of the casket business tasks to me. I have been entering invoices, payments, etc. I absolutely love it! It is much different from the path I chose in college, teaching, but really I like this much better.
However, the stipulation to me working full time is that I have to put Caylen in daycare full time as well. I was sooo torn up about this. I have spent every day of her 17 months, 2 weeks, and six days of her life with her. I have spent a total of 3 days apart from her while I was at work, but she was at home with her Daddy, which is totally different! So, Monday began her first day of day care and to be honest, I have waited to blog on this because my heart has been so broken to send her off. Now, I am not a 'hover mother,' and I don't see myself as too overprotective, and I admit there were many days at home where I felt lonely and unhappy, and I felt Caylen was bored and under-stimulated. However, I felt so guilty and heartbroken that I would not be spending my days with her, and she would be somewhere different, away from anyone she has ever known. Heck, she barely ever even went to church nursery until she was a year old because of her separation anxiety, which sharply dropped after about 13 months.
Caylen: Happy, energetic, carefree. "Bye mommy" She goes and plays with the other kids and looks at me like "Ok, you can go now- bye" and I am sad but happy at the same time!?
Fast forward to the end of the day:
Me: I loved being able to work in peace, and having time to myself to accomplish what I needed to do. Nervous about how Caylen did. I mean, she seemed to love it when I left her, but did she cry once she discovered we were gone? Did she cry all day like she used to cry when she was in the nursery (once she starts, she won't stop)? Did she sleep or eat or play well? Did the workers care and love on her?
Caylen: Daycare worker "She was the happiest baby I ever saw on his/her first day! She never stopped smiling, she loved it from the minute she got here! She ate really well, she slept well!" Happy, talking non-stop, happy to see us, and was ok to say goodbye to all her new friends.
Me: Guilt. What? Yeah, I am feeling guilty because what if this is what she needed all along? What if what I wanted for her was not best for her? What if her excessive crying all throughout the day was because she was bored and lonely?
Have I been doing the wrong thing for her whole life until now? Oh well, I can't think of that though. How was I to know she would love daycare 10 times more than she loves to be with me (which is not a lot, she cries a lot with me). She has been in daycare for 3 days now, and they keep saying she does great, that she loves it, and she has been doing better at home now. Less crying, more talking and walking. More guilt for me, even though I still long to have the days back where I stayed at home with her and we did everything together. I know this is a better situation for us, though, and I don't know if most kids are like this, but it is working out better for me to be a working mom, thus far, than it did for me to stay at home. Yeah, it takes more work to keep the house clean, but we are there less so it gets less dirty.
So this is my experience with daycare, completely opposite from what I always imagined. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, it was my 'dream job,' but how can you force something upon your child that you know is not the best in their individual situation? I have had a tremendous amount of guilt and uncertainty about this, I guess mainly because I am not being forced to work-- we are fine without the money, but I have found out that it is the better option for our family in particular. If I had to do it over again, I would have done what I thought was best for her, and that was to stay at home. I don't know when our next child will come, but perhaps sooner than later since we are more financially stable. I do know that I want to breastfeed our next one for just as long or longer than I did Caylen-- one year. I can still do what I know is best for her/him, even if I work. So, why have the guilt? I guess it's just a momma thing......
I have previously been working 2 days a week, bringing Caylen with me. However, our workload here has been increased with the growth of the casket business and my 'boss's' desire to start delegating, finally ('Boss' is one of those people, much like myself incidentally, who thinks "If I want it done right, I must do it!"). Thing is, he can't do it all! There are so many facets to this business that delegating is not a choice, but a necessity! There are not enough hours in a day to complete all there needs to be done here. So, dad has been delegating, slowly, some of the casket business tasks to me. I have been entering invoices, payments, etc. I absolutely love it! It is much different from the path I chose in college, teaching, but really I like this much better.
However, the stipulation to me working full time is that I have to put Caylen in daycare full time as well. I was sooo torn up about this. I have spent every day of her 17 months, 2 weeks, and six days of her life with her. I have spent a total of 3 days apart from her while I was at work, but she was at home with her Daddy, which is totally different! So, Monday began her first day of day care and to be honest, I have waited to blog on this because my heart has been so broken to send her off. Now, I am not a 'hover mother,' and I don't see myself as too overprotective, and I admit there were many days at home where I felt lonely and unhappy, and I felt Caylen was bored and under-stimulated. However, I felt so guilty and heartbroken that I would not be spending my days with her, and she would be somewhere different, away from anyone she has ever known. Heck, she barely ever even went to church nursery until she was a year old because of her separation anxiety, which sharply dropped after about 13 months.
Fast forward to her first day.
Me: cloudy, teary eyes, heavy burdened heart and guilt like I could never imagine. "Am I doing the right thing? Is she going to resent me for this?" Oh the guilt that comes with being a mommy. You never know how much you can beat yourself up until you have a child. Caylen: Happy, energetic, carefree. "Bye mommy" She goes and plays with the other kids and looks at me like "Ok, you can go now- bye" and I am sad but happy at the same time!?
Me: I loved being able to work in peace, and having time to myself to accomplish what I needed to do. Nervous about how Caylen did. I mean, she seemed to love it when I left her, but did she cry once she discovered we were gone? Did she cry all day like she used to cry when she was in the nursery (once she starts, she won't stop)? Did she sleep or eat or play well? Did the workers care and love on her?
Caylen: Daycare worker "She was the happiest baby I ever saw on his/her first day! She never stopped smiling, she loved it from the minute she got here! She ate really well, she slept well!" Happy, talking non-stop, happy to see us, and was ok to say goodbye to all her new friends.
Me: Guilt. What? Yeah, I am feeling guilty because what if this is what she needed all along? What if what I wanted for her was not best for her? What if her excessive crying all throughout the day was because she was bored and lonely?
Have I been doing the wrong thing for her whole life until now? Oh well, I can't think of that though. How was I to know she would love daycare 10 times more than she loves to be with me (which is not a lot, she cries a lot with me). She has been in daycare for 3 days now, and they keep saying she does great, that she loves it, and she has been doing better at home now. Less crying, more talking and walking. More guilt for me, even though I still long to have the days back where I stayed at home with her and we did everything together. I know this is a better situation for us, though, and I don't know if most kids are like this, but it is working out better for me to be a working mom, thus far, than it did for me to stay at home. Yeah, it takes more work to keep the house clean, but we are there less so it gets less dirty.
So this is my experience with daycare, completely opposite from what I always imagined. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, it was my 'dream job,' but how can you force something upon your child that you know is not the best in their individual situation? I have had a tremendous amount of guilt and uncertainty about this, I guess mainly because I am not being forced to work-- we are fine without the money, but I have found out that it is the better option for our family in particular. If I had to do it over again, I would have done what I thought was best for her, and that was to stay at home. I don't know when our next child will come, but perhaps sooner than later since we are more financially stable. I do know that I want to breastfeed our next one for just as long or longer than I did Caylen-- one year. I can still do what I know is best for her/him, even if I work. So, why have the guilt? I guess it's just a momma thing......
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