Being Thankful

So since I found out that I didn't get the job, I have actually been quite well. Yes, it was pretty harsh to hear that I wasn't chosen because there is someone better than me (who would have thought??) but really, I am over it. I totally blew the interview too... I said lots of "ums" and "uhs" and I just really did such an awful job it is almost comical! I may not wholeheartedly laugh about it now, but I am suuurrre I will-- later down the road...

But anyway, onto more important subjects... I have realized that being a stay at home mom really is what I want to do, and where I want to be anyway. The grass is always greener on the other side, right? Yeah, 'um,' no. I tend to think that though, yet when I get to the other side, I wonder why I was ever even interested in that grass anyway. So, today I tried to put myself in the shoes of the Allison that did well at the interview and got the job. She would be putting her daughter into daycare full time, while driving an hour each way to work, getting there at 7:30 AM sharp!! She would also be trying to juggle finding a place to live in Blairsville so she would be closer to work, but would still have to endure the drive until she could move. It would be hectic and I would be working my tail off to get just the minimal done around the house such as vacuuming, dishes, making beds, cleaning toddler mess, etc. (I have grown to be very accustomed to an OCD home. I liiike it). It would be hard to get all of that done; in fact, almost impossible!

So, as I watch the DIY channel, drooling over granite countertops and stainless steel appliances, all which would have been included in the home that would have been bought with 2x our current salary, I think of what the alternate universe Allison would be thinking a few months into the job. I came up with this: "Hmm this nice house with all the amenities and plenty of room is totally nice, but how can I enjoy it when I am only here a couple hours a day? And, those hours are spent running around, trying to get everything done instead of spending time with my family." Then, I would watch the Sprout channel and reminisce of the days I stayed at home with my baby, when I spent all my time with her; although some of that time was stressful, it was completely priceless. I then wonder what it would be like to be back on the other side once again, where the grass was obviously greener.

I figured I would just save myself the trouble and stay where I am: on the side that always has green grass-- I just don't tend to look at it enough!

Well I Guess It Is Gonna Be.....Staying At Home

Well, I haven't written in a while because of many reasons: the holidays, lack of interesting happenings, and waiting on an important job interview.

Well, the holidays are over and my life is back to normal, pretty much anyway and that's not necessarily a good thing. I had the job interview last Wednesday and I totally sucked at it. I felt really sick and I just wasn't my usual impressive self, I guess (HA). So I found out today whether or not I got it and well I didn't. So yeah I guess God is just telling me that I am doing such a great job at being a stay at home mom that he doesn't want a career change for me. And, I guess He is probably saying that He will still be providing for us even though He didn't provide a job. It's definitely not that I don't like being a stay at home mom, but sometimes I feel like Caylen needs more time with other kiddos and that I need some time to myself. However, God apparently didn't see it that way. From the beginning, I put this in God's hands-- whether or not I got the job. I wanted whatever happened to be in His will because I have lived life before out of His will and it is not so fun. At all. So, I guess God has just handled it the way it should be handled and I am happy about that but I won't lie, it stings a little. I mean, I feel pretty useless and incompetent because I didn't get this job. The job that I do have doesn't have a hiring and firing system, thankfully, or I would be screwed. Caylen thankfully doesn't know any better and I hope it stays that way! :) I am very happy and relieved though overall because I felt that God was pushing me in a direction I wasn't ready to delve into yet-- the workforce. I like getting up on Caylen's time and staying in my pajamas until she goes down for her first nap, then jumping into the shower (my daily spa time) and being able to have the house clean all the time. I also feel that at my part time job, the Funeral Home working for my parents, (I take Caylen of course)I am useful and an asset. I just need to convince my dad of that. So overall, I feel that things definitely worked out the way they were supposed to although there is a definite slam to the ego.

Really, when I think about it, I am a little sad and hurt about not getting the job. But, when I think about the sadness of having to put Caylen in daycare after 15 months of being with her all day every day, that would be much more permanent and can't be restored like my ego can. I am, however, done searching for a job-- I got the message clearly and if I am meant to have a job, it can fall out of the flippin' sky into my lap. Then I will know that it was meant to be.